Okkkkkkkkkk.... some words on food addiction

Lack of motivation.

I can't look at myself in the mirror because I am unable to accept what I see there. I find myself wishing it away, like that will make a difference in the long run. In my head, it's not as bad as it seems. That I'm ok and I'm not too far gone before I can't make a change. I have time.... But I don't.

I know that I have an addiction to food and started a long time ago. Starting as a little girl, I wanted to be like Daddy... A man that ate hearty meals, was strong like an ox and healthy. So when he and I would sit down for a meal, I wanted to eat like him and unfortunately, he would accommodate me on occasion. But I can't blame my addiction to food because of him, I just notice my food intake started from there. As I grew into a rambunctious kid, something terrible happened and I wanted to disappear. I knew that if I was a "big" girl, that people wouldn't notice me. I would sneak all those processed, high fat/sugar foods, despite my mother would cook home cooked meals with fresh food. Then I get into my teens, I am now a chubby girl, looking older than my age because of the weight. Getting the wrong kind of attention. I know now, I started eating when no one was around. Stuffing myself with sugar and fat, getting that carb high that would last for about 10 or so minutes. Then the guilt would set in... 'I'm not going to eat like that anymore'

My relationship with food has been a struggle for a long time. Pushed to the side, as if there hasn't been a problem.. but I have one. The weight has given me the buffer I've needed to keep others at a distance. Part of my "worry" has to do with people feeling they can enter my personal space. I like attention, but when I want it, not dictated by someone else. It's hard for me to handle; compliments, people being friendly. I find myself jumping the gun by making someone else laugh or being friendly first, talking first, etc. As if I were controlling the interaction. All of this stems from my addiction to food and how I feel about myself, in accordance to the world around me.

So keeping that in mind, I have been exploring an avenue to help me with my health and how I feel about myself. I've been juicing. I get plenty of nutrients, which restores and nourishes my body, as well as my mind. I have times, where I don't feel like it's making much of difference. And my  moods are still scattered and unsure, but this doesn't have anything to do with the juicing. As a whole, the juicing has been improving my energy levels, where I can expend more energy throughout the day, leaving me exhausted for a better sleep. When I "cheat" and have something other than the juice, my body immediately notices the difference. Digestion becomes a problem and I feel quite heavy like I've gained 30 lbs. I have to drink some Metamucil, since the juice is lacking in the fiber department. But other than that, juicing has been giving me some pretty good results so far... I've lost maybe 10 or more lbs? So that is a great relief on my body and my mind.

Success begins with me, it always has and always will be.

First day of the rest of my life...

The sky is the limit.
This IS the first day of the rest of my life and the time is right. A new day, a new year brings change for the better for me. I am taking the necessary steps to make a lifestyle change, that has been long overdue. For far too long, I have found an endless amount of excuses, WHY my weight has been so unstable. But the truth is, it is only me, that keeps me from being truly healthy and happy in all aspects. I could continue to find those excuses and stay in this condition, but it will only continue to get worse; more weight gain, more depression, more unstable living and this is just not acceptable anymore. I pledge to take responsibility of my mental health, physical health and truly follow through. No matter how much it may be uncomfortable at times. It will all be worth it.... you'll see.